Wishing...

You tell me that you've failed me.
That I deserve somone better.
That it hurts for you to be alone in the empty house

The house isn't empty at all. She' s in it.
A little part of me dies, being in that house and watching you check the phone every now and then, to see if she's messaged you or called you out for lunch or dinner.
A little part of me dies, watching you talk to her onthe phone until the wee hours of the morning, when before this, you had to sleep before 12 every night.
A big part of me dies, seeing her staying in the house we shared our memories in.
More of me dies, a lulling ache in my heart stabs through me, seeing her come with you in the morning to the hospital, and her looking away when she sees me, pretending to be forlorn and the victim of this situation...When I'm the one who has sleepless nights, even in the hostel, wondering where she is and who she's with.

I wish sometimes...
That I was more dependant... That maybe, if I didn't have a car, I would be more dependant on you...
Isn't that what guys want? A girl who hangs on to them, depending on them for emotional needs, transport and a girl who will 'teh' them and boost their ego.

But you were happy initially that I wasn't that kind of girl. I was instead, someone who could exchange insults with you, calling you a gorilla, and you calling me a midget. Hardy har har...
That's how we were special. A couple that started off as friends, trading the friendly insults that was initially affectionate, and later on deemed intolerable.

I wished I could be stronger, more interesting and more cultured. Someone that has more to think of, other than studies and relationships, someone stronger with more to rely on than alcohol and being a pathetic creature that dwells in self-pity and loathe.

Sick,

Get over him.
He's not worth it at all...

Turn to God, Turn to God, Turn to God.

You say you haven't fallen in love (But you spend hours on the phone with her)
You say you didn't have feelings for her before the break-up (But you want to hang out with her every other weekend)
You say she was the one who liked you first (To preserve your alpha-male ego)
You say you've never brought her over before (Then what happened on the 14th of November? Didn't she come over to watch movies with you that rainy rainy night, which was by the way, before the break-up.)

There's a time and reason for everything. God has opened my eyes to realize that certain things that are not gonna work out, never will. Can push a dying horse towards the well, jolly well flog it, but it ain't gonna drink anyway.

Tonight, will I have to stay in this tormenting place one more night? God forbid, let me out of this hellhole. The more I see you, the less I know you. You make me sick to the core.

I wonder...

You're cruel as hell.
Although you've hurt from all the lack of love you've felt all this time,
I can't help but feel this wouldn't happen if you had no one to fall back on.
I can't help but wonder if you're doing this to spite me,
And that you're rushing things because you think you won't have any time to spend with her if you delay it any longer.
I'm the one who has to face the shame,
The one that has to swallow the disgrace,
And look back at the eyes of pity that look at me: "... That poor thing."

You bastard.
Couldn't you just have chosen someone who's not from the same place as we are in?
How the fuck am I supposed to go through this taunting in my face every other day?
No matter what you think I've done to you, What did I do to deserve all this?
Is she doing this on purpose, out of spite to me for giving her a piece of my mind?

I wish I'd never met you.

Don't you dare...

Don't ask me to move on,
Just because you have someone else to fall back on.
Is it fair to me?
I will be wondering each time I see her going in and out of the of this hollow building that shelters others...
Whether you were spending time with her
Where did she come from?
Have you kissed? Held hands?

You're not on the receiving end
You're not the longing one

You're just plain insensitive

I hate how...

I hate how you've forgotten me in the blink of an eye
I hate the fact that you can fall in love again so easily-like I mean nothing to you-nothing more than someone invisible
How you spruce yourself up with the perfume I got you to impress her
How you've forgotten all that we've gone through- How I stood by you when everyone else turned their backs against you - and how I'm still on bad terms with them for you.
I hate how you can look at me with icy cold eyes- ones that are used to look at an ominous stranger.
I hate how you it kills me, how a part of me dies a little more each time you talk to me, and speak to me without that old familiar warmth, but with the tone of voice like we've never spent any precious moments together- Never agonized together, prayed together, sang together - You speak to me with a tone so cold it freezes.
I hate how you go in and out of the room whenever I'm there for too long- like I'm repulsive and impossible to be around for too long
I hate how you hold that handphone- the Valentine's present I got for you- so tightly, so close to your heart each time you sleep - waiting for someone else to call.
I hate how you've chosen sides- When I still speak of you so highly, as the best I've ever had- despite the fact that my heart is being crushed and broken into a million pieces- over and over again. The feeling of my 3 year relationship with you being sold out to someone I considered a friend, someone you've been close to for only a few months- that feeling is something no one else should feel.
I hate how I look at my phone, wishing that there would be a call or an sms from you, only to see nothing but the display time staring back at me.
I hate the fact that I still love you- and can never forget you.

And so it has ended.
This morning, I was moved by a challenge to pray for someone in my life whom I have marginalized, someone I may not have treated as an equal.
In biblical terms, this would be the lepers, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, but this is not to be in my life.
It's none other than my beloved of the past 3 years plus
I realised, that I've been marginalizing him, treating him as a pest sometimes, pushing him to a corner, further and further away from my life.
Despite all the love that he's showered upon me,
Despite all the care that he's never once failed to show me;
I am nothing but a black hole
and I quote Tropic Thunder 'He's just like a White dwarf, heading towards a Black hole'
I've drained him dry of love, sucked him into a void of hopelessness and despair.

If I were a product, I would've definitely been Made In China...A Relationship With Me would be Something that looks promising, Simple to Use (No, I'm not cheap,if that's what you're thinking); But after a while, The consumer finds out the hard way, that I'm toxic and defective.
This defect entails the ...defective ability to love and care for my partner, and a self defence mechanism even the Jewish can't simulate.

To My Unfortunate Victim(s),
I am sorry for never being able to shower you with the affection I should, and allowing myself to fall completely in love , or making the choice of changing myself to meet your expectations.

I love you, but I don't know how to show it; Or in my selfish warped up world, I just don't want to.
I want to apologize, but the only ones who'll see it are the moderators of blogspot.com

We've decided to amicably end it, and you've claimed that it's the Difference in Character that is preventing this from working out.
Thank you for providing me with an alibi...