Bittersweet Bday.

Ah.... Another year's passed, a year older, a year wiser... perhaps.
The day begun with me waking up at eleven, realizing that I could not sleep well, was grumpy cause mum was snoring. But even worse, it was marred because I had to dream of him. I had to dream that he regretted, and came back to me. Where he realized that she was a total scheming manipulative bitch, and actually missed me. How pathetic. I had to dream about us being close and caring and loving...it was alll such a haze, yet so real. Even in my dreams, the bitter pill of regret and sorrow came washing through me. I almost died in my dreams. Whether of happiness or sadness, I do not know. I guess this is what John Mayer meant by his song 'Dreaming with A Broken Heart', where waking up was the hardest part.

It's painful, and the schoing pain and loneliness still sears through me. But it is my birthday wish that nothing ever hurts me as much as this again, and that I will not be looking and have the courage to remain single. To enjoy my newfound freedom, and learn to spend more time with friends. =) At least facebook helped to remind my friends it was my bday, got some wisheds from long lost friends, unexpected ppl. But was inda upset I didn't get wishes from those I wanted to hear from. I may want him to go thru pain like I did, but would I want anyone to feel like what I did? It's too cruel a wish.

Although he messaged me just last friday, A message that seemed so formal and like he was coerced into sending it by his family members or silislut, so that I don't give her a hard time during induction... It sounded stg like this ... ' I know we ended our relationship badly. I want to thank you for making me the man I am today. Blabla happy holidays. Take Care.'

And I so wanted to reply (sorry for bimbotic english... so wanted to is totally Americanised)
...'If I made you the lying cheating man that you are today, then I must truly apologize. You have disappointed and disgusted me, and I have no respect for you or her whatsoever.Good riddance to bad rubbish'

However,I wish too that my spiritual walk will be strengthened. Since I have read 'the Shack' in which a father whose daughter was murdered in the worst possible manner imagined -an open ended question, as her body was never found - had to learn to forgive his daughter's murderer, what more I, over a relationship that was never meant to be anyway. It was all in His/(Her? -God's portrayed as a black woman in the Shack) plan. But if time really is the best prescription, I hope that I won't wish for it to fly by in such a manner that I won't fill it wit meaningful happenings and relationships with others, just to get over the sadness. But that I will seize each day as it comes, have a brighter outlook in life and be much less of a grouch that complains incessantly. Like my mother put it, I really do not want to sound like my aunty, whose highlight of the day is dessicating her food with a pair of scissors she whips out from her handbag, lest she complains bout her digestive system and poor bladder and bowel control for the rest of the day. Ahahahah.

The rest of the day, anyway, was pretty eventful. Dim Sum with damily and bro's friends, played Scrabble and a bit of Bowling Wii, and had wonderful Vietnamese food for dinner. Oh, and awesome cheesecake made by my bro's friends gf for his belated bday. But it was my bday, so I tumpang glamour also la. Hahaha.

Would like to depart with a message I saw donned outside a really quaint Suburban Church;
'7 days without prayer makes One Weak'
Hope to be able to practice more prayer! Don't wanna be weak..

The Afterword...

Am now in a cyber cafe
'Ma hai! Lei mo kau chor ar....'
And "F*** man, that motherf***** just f****** killed me'
I never knew that the word f*** could be used multiple times in the same sentence, with so little variation.
The word f*** has really lost any of it's coolness and power to vent frustration, when used by tiny lil pipsqueaks whose voices haven't even cracked.

Back home, after it's all been over.
A sad feeling washed over me as I left the college. Although I hsould be happy that the arduous journey has been over, I must admit that I'll miss hanging out and doing these things:
1) pretending to do ward work everytime we thought we heart the footsteps of a lecturer coming nearer, and resuming to out silly banter after knowing it was just a hospital staff.
2) lunch time and girl-watching together with the guys, and pairing them up with the ever-so-sexy Mr. Sin Hoe...
3) Hanging out at that lil cafeteria table, and gossiping over tea, and angrily giving the look-of-death to others who occupied the table (Unicorn Club, anyone?)
4) The daily banter between me and S and J, where we would gaily make fun of each other. S would be called the bimbo, I would bear the honorary title of Shit-Face (cause it's sour most of the time-sorry la my facial muscles have a spasm) and J being... ah nothing to call her la I just call her a bitch or puki-face. Hahahaha...( Luckily my Mum doesn't know my blog exists)
5) The occasional clubbing sessions which we would all do our embarassing dances, but S of course would just sit and grin at us shaking her head
6) The few Coffee Bean sessions I've had with my friends, and chit-chatting as much as we possible could in the final days of uni life.


Snifff Sniffff I really miss you guys! Love you all, and although only 4 ppl know of this blog, I dedicate all my love to you guys anyway. Thank you for making Uni days so beautiful for me... =) May the Lord bless and quide you all to the best that you will possibly be... and allow me to be the God Mum of your kids.